Here's Emily throwing her heart out onto a plate and letting you see it fully for the first time.

I've always put you first. I put myself last. When I had a different opinion, I kept quiet. Mainly because I have an immense fear. It doesn't scare me. It petrifies me; drives me insane. This fear is being left behind, being the bad guy, and being disliked. Only on rare occasions have I ever 'raised my voice' (aka used CAPS LOCK OVER-EXCESSIVELY).

It's because I'm scared to death. Years ago, my friends were in a fight. (Most of you may know this story.) I was the only one not involved. And, fuck, I was lonely. Meanwhile, at home, my sisters kept bagging on me and my parents got mad at (guess who?) me.

So, that gave me a LOT of alone time. I came to think EVERYTHING was my fault. I lost all self-respect/self-esteem, and it was replaced by something else. Self-hatred. That's right; I said it. I hate myself. WHOOPS.

Just yesterday I disappeared for a while because my family wanted to talk to me. I was actually back at around 3:30-4:00PM. But what happened downstairs before that ... Well, let's just say my pillow got wet. It's dry now, but... Yeah...

Four years ago, I was... uhm. Well, how do I put this; I don't want sympathy or pity. Shit. Uhm... I was suicidal. I never actually did anything (I'm too fucking chicken) but I thought about it a lot. Almost all the time. As a little kid, Mom would tell me not to hide under the covers or I'd suffocate. I had started sleeping while hiding under there in faint hopes of suffocation.

Oops.

I also sleep with a rabbit, because it has been the friend that never left me and cheered me up at least a little bit. And I know it never will leave me, because it physically cannot. It's a fucking stuffed rabbit.

I'd been better until most recently. Kait moved away, leaving a lot of responsibility on me. We're running out of money, and now my mom's sick. The cost to make her better is so fucking high, we can't afford other things like ... Maggie needs braces. I need my wisdom teeth removed. We can't afford it.

There are still times, the most recent being yesterday, that I thought no one would miss me. I wasn't worth it, and never will be, yadda yadda. I'm not asking for help, because last time, four years ago, I got a 'Get over it then.' from my mother. (That hurt like a bitch.) I'd been dropping hints Freshman year, but nothing happened.

I can honestly say I have depression. I never wanted to have to tell you this, because I thought I would have been seen as asking for pity from a crowd who needed the love more than I did. I watch my moves carefully, because I don't want you all to hate me as much as I do ...

That's why I'm so nice. That's why I don't yell and scream about things I want. That's why I try to make everyone happy. That's why I'm upset with people fight or threaten to leave. That's why I never take a compliment. That's why I am who I am.

This is me.

My heart, fully seen for the first time I guess .. and please don't think I'm targeting you. I really don't want this to hurt anything. I just thought you should know all of this. I've never really voiced all of my opinions, and all of this is pretty much why that's so. It's why I'm the soft parent .. I don't want to snap at someone and have them hate me for it.

When people hate me, they tend to leave me. I have really bad autophobia.

If I ever yell at you, or get angry with you, or anything like that ... know it hurts me at least 100 times more than it does you.

I also didn't expect this to be a million pages long. Whoops.
I wrote a letter on Tumblr (I can not find it for the life of me...) addressed to you all on the subject but I guess no one ever saw it. Oops.